The 7 Year Contract
We were having a discussion in the office this week and Chris mentioned his Mum had heard a radio interview with someone suggesting that relationships should have a 7 year contract that is renegotiated every 7 years according to whether it is working or not. It prompted me to comment that it didn’t surprise me that peoples ideas about ‘forever’ have changed given that the values we hold in respect to relationships have changed so much. In the 1950s or 1960s divorce has much more stigma attached to it and so often people stayed in a relationship that may not have been personally fulfilling because they worried about what other people would think. This is still the case to some degree today but more often people are likely to pursue their own personal happiness even if children are involved.
People are more likely to consider the impact on children of a loveless relationship that perhaps means they are subjected to frequent arguments and tenseness in the home. People will leave a relationship in the pursuit of greater happiness with the hope that the children will be better off if their parents are better off. So what do you think about relationships being renegotiated? Have relationships just become commodities that will eventually date and be out of fashion requiring us to get a new model?
Online dating throws people into a sea of new rules around relationships that are often hard to navigate. How long do you communicate before meeting? Are you being unrealistic expecting that if someone is communicating with you they will forgo other communications in the meantime?
I think as a training company we could offer people lots of support around managing their own emotions and expectations in what can be often a quite confusing new game. It really is a new game – going online to find the love of your life or should I say the person you are going to contract to for the next 7 years.
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Comments (4)Written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , on 09-10-2007 15:25
What a great question Kathy!
It immediately reminded me of a book I read by Eva-Maria Zurhorst with the title 'Liebe Dich selbst und es ist egal, wen Du heiratest' which means as much as 'Love yourself and it doesn't matter whom you are going to marry'. She's a relationship coach and based on her own experience and the experiences she made with her clients she argues that the ultimate personal development 'course' one can ever attend is to be part of an intimate relationship.
She reckons we can get all the lessons we need through our partners and by working through our issues with them we could all become a lot more whole and happier. Of course there are situations where sticking it out is just not possible and also not appropriate but her book provides great examples of people who have left their previous partners just to end up with a guy/girl with similar issues once more.
Relationship = personal development? Sounds like a great reframe to me and when it comes to the question of '7 years vs. forever' I'm aiming for forever. Fingers crossed!
Written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , on 17-10-2007 13:56
Manuela, you always add such a wonderful perspective to conversations and I think that is a really great way to view personal development - I see regularly with clients that exact issue - they leave one relationship in search of greater satisfaction only to encounter the same issues again - Love to hear how others view it - I am heading to a weekend with John Demartini in Sydney this weekend all around relationships so will add to the conversation when I return - Enjoy the weekend
Written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , on 19-11-2007 10:13
My husband and I are approaching (this month!) 7 years since we met. We've certainly had some challenges in that time that could have driven us apart, had we let them.
One thing that has helped me is that on Oprah (the great fount of wisdom!) I heard a relationship expert say that if you expect that in your relationship there will never be times when you are sick and tired of that person and just want out, then you have unrealistic expectations that can lead to relationship failure. But if you understand and accept that there will be days when your partner is the last person you want to see or talk to, then you can work through those times and get back to the ones that inevitably follow.
This thought has served me well at times and would probably serve others, too, who have bought the "happily ever after" myth.
Written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , on 07-04-2008 20:03
its an interesting subject. how much forethought to think of a "period"! I would never put that on my friend who happens to be my partner! He and I have been together for 5 years. We are only together because we enjoy each others company and everything else is an advantage that empowers us further in life. Learning doesn't come in candy coated wrappings now does it? that would be no challenge whatsoever ... I guess if he ... or me were to decide to go another way which the other didn't want to go neither would pressure the other. we are spirits having a human experience - forever is forever does not mean together and if it is then it is just meant to be (a committed investment in partnership I guess) - but how can one depend upon that when everything changes every second? unless one lives in denial ... it wouldn't be right to manipulate the other for the others' want or requirement would it? ... happily ever after depends upon the perspective you adopt doesn't it. fired up!
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